Blueberry Musings

Yesterday I was shopping at Zara, and a random lady asked me my opinion on a blue blazer/jacket she was thinking of buying.  She told me that she was going to a wedding and would be pairing it with a white dress. I said, "Well, the material of the jacket is nice and lightweight, but it looks a bit like denim unless you look at it very closely, so it might be too casual if you're wearing it to a wedding, and also how about NOT WEARING A WHITE DRESS TO SOMEONE ELSE'S WEDDING, YOU NUTBAG."

Ok, I didn't say that last part.  But SERIOUSLY??  I'm not wrong in assuming that people KNOW that you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding, right?  I have a friend who wore white to a wedding once, and I was like "Dude, why did you wear that" but she honestly did not know that it is taboo to do that.  However, she is also Asian, and I will be the first to admit that sometimes Asian kids raised by fobby parents will not know all the ins and outs of American social etiquette.  However, this lady was Caucasian and looked to be in her 40s, which makes me predisposed to believe that as she lived her 40-some years of life, SOMEWHERE along the line she must have found out that it's not ok to wear white to a wedding.  Gawd.  If some dumb betch wore a white dress to my wedding, I would seriously glare at that egomaniacal psychotic attention whore every time she crossed my path.

Setup:  My mom went to Vietnam in 2006 with my uncle and his kids.  At that time, my mom was not the technology savvy dvd pirating eBay whiz that she currently is (she has come a long way in two short years).  I think before this trip, she had never sent an email before, and she had my dad set up an email account before she left so that she could send us news of her shenanigans abroad.  My mom is extremely fobby, and her fobbiness translates itself very clearly over email and my brother and sister and I thus derived much amusement from her haphazard electronic epistles.  However, sometimes her emails were more cause for alarm than amusement.  Take this xanga entry from December 2, 2006:

So yeah, that was a really interesting time for our family.  If you are not yet convinced that my mom will take anything someone offers her if they give her a good deal, just last week she went to the swap meet and came home with an entire bag of several boxes of shit-ugly shower curtain rings that were shaped like playing cards. 

We do not have shower curtains. 

We only have shower doors.

When queried as to why she would buy 20 boxes of shower rings when we have zero need of them in our house and what she thought she would use them for, she replied only that they were only a dollar a box.  I rest my case.

Anyway, you might be wondering what happened to the aforementioned orphan.  I have a xanga entry for that, too, dated December 13, 2006:

I've had half of my Barbados/St. Lucia recap written for like a week and a half now and I really need to finish it!  The problem is, all of my pictures are on my computer at home and when I'm at home, I want to watch my tivo and play with the pugs instead of dutifully uploading pictures onto my blog.  Meh.  I think there is some solution to this, like flickr or something.  Unforch, I am a lazy bastard and can't be arsed to figure it all out.  Eventually, I will get the recap up.  Rome wasn't built in a day, mi amici.

Why does J.Crew have dresses that are $650?  Are people actually buying this shit?  Are there gold bars sewn in the between the tiers?  Or perhaps several grams of cocaine hidden in the ruffles?  J.Crew has gotten ridiculous in the past few years.  I fail to see how any of these dresses could possibly retail for more than $200 each, and that is stretching it, mister. 

A few weeks ago, my sister told me about how some Christian groups were calling for people to pray for "rain of Biblical proportions" on the day of Obama's speech at the Democratic National Convention.  I won't go into how ridiculously juvenile and inherently un-Christian this type of crap is, but I will instead point out how very ironic it is that while the DNC enjoyed perfect weather in Denver, the Republican National Convention is having to be drastically scaled back due to the possible effects of Hurricane Gustav.  I wonder if the evangelical Christians believe this means that God is backing Obama for president? 

I am back from a week in Barbados and St. Lucia!  I'll blog all about it once I get my pictures uploaded.  I've got 500 to sift through, but I swur I will do it asap.  In the meantime, I'd like to express the pain, betrayal and outrage I felt when I got home and flipped on my tivo only to find that SOMEONE had deleted EVERY SINGLE EPISODE I had saved from So You Think You Can Dance AND like 3/4 of all my episodes of Jon and Kate + 8.  WHY, JESUS????  There is a hole in my heart   :(

Several years ago, in the first few months that I joined myspace, I got a message from some guy wanting to be friends.  His message was as follows:

Daryl

Ok, no big deal, just another lame myspace guy trying to message and friend as many chicks as possible.  Whatevers, I ignored it.  But then a few weeks later, I got another message from the same guy:

Daryl

That was weird.  Basically the same exact message, with some small difference.  I was slightly creeped out that he didn't seem to realize that he was sending me a duplicate message and I just generally got an even weirder vibe from him than I had before, but I ignored it again and he did not contact me further.

However.

I got this message yesterday - SAME GUY, SAME PICTURE.....but on FACEBOOK:

I just came across this blog that totally rips on Twilight, and it is funnehhhhhhh.  I actually considered going through the book and taking stats on all the recurrences of ridiculous themes but luckily this person has done all the work for me!  SO funny!  She even mentions the "holy crow"!!!

http://otahyoni.livejournal.com/130432.html#cutid1

One of the attorneys in my office has for some reason taken on a crusade to get me into shape.  At least once a week he'll ask me if I've given any thought to joining the gym (we have a really nice gym in our building that is a pretty good deal for people who work here - and they'll do your laundry and stuff!).  Like, he won't leave me alone about it. He brought me a flier about the gym packages detailing its pricing and amenities and keeps talking about how good exercising is for you, and how you don't have to do a lot of it to keep in shape, etc, etc.  It's getting to the point where I try to cut off our conversations as soon as possible because I know he will eventually mention the gym again.  GAH!  And today, he brought me two articles to read, one entitled "Why Aren't You Motivated to Exercise?" and another one called "How to Increase Your Motivation to Exercise: Finding Your Own Exercise Path."

WTF!!!!!!!!

Dude. I am 88 lbs!!!  I can admit that my upper arms and thighs are a little soft, but GODDAMN!

:(

This will probably be a spoiler, if you haven't read Twilight yet and plan to do so in the future.  But after reading the book, who gives a shit?  Read on, gentle readers.

So yeah, I don't think I'll be able to read the rest of the Twilight series.  I've got a serious bone to pick with Stephanie Meyer.  Like a big, honkin' femur bone, from a brontasaurus.  Most of Twilight was pretty bad.  My friend Karen referred to it as a Harlequin novel without the sex, since it's geared towards the lonely, braces-wearing sect of literati.  How many goddamn times can Stephanie Meyer describe how Edward caresses Bella's face? If I was her editor (who clearly must have passed out several times during the editing of this book), I would have started crossing them out when I got past the 80th time. However, I will admit that it started really gaining some steam when the other vampires came into the picture and things totally started looking up.  Vampire fight, AWESOME!  I was genuinely getting really revved up, it was getting exciting and I was actually eager to turn each page to see what was going to happen next.  And when the vampire fight actually happened, it was everything I hoped it would be.  So much intricate detail and vivid storytelling, it really made you feel like you were there watching it all happen.  The vampire fight was such a complex and compelling scene.  Oh wait - what's that you say?

Oh, of course.  THERE WAS NO FUCKING. VAMPIRE. FIGHT. 

That's right.  Stephanie "Blue Balls" Meyer fucking jipped us out of the goddamn vampire fight that we had all been waiting for throughout the entire wretched, embarrassing novel.  You have some nerve, you Mormon whore.  After all the build-up of tension and excitement leading up to what would probably should have been the most gripping scene in the entire book, Meyer apparently thought that maybe Bella didn't have enough opportunities to be a whiny bitch so she relegated the actual vampire fight to a background scene while the readers had to endure Bella's LAME ASSED vampire bite bullshit.  All we saw of the vampire fight was the equivalent of "BAM!" and "POW!" noises in the background, and even those didn't last long because the vampire fight was MOVED OUTSIDE after like 5 seconds after Meyer gave up on bothering to describe any more of it in favor of highlighting what a pathetic pain in the ass Bella is (AGAIN).  Thanks, Stephanie Meyer, you're a pal.

Anyway, despite how horrific Twilight was, I decided to give New Moon a try only because my sister acknowledges how horrible Twilight is, warned me that New Moon was probably going to be worse, but that Eclipse is worth the read.  I wanted to soldier on so that I could get to Eclipse, but I had to shove New Moon away in disgust after the first few chapters, right after Bella told Edward that she would rather die than be without him.  God, I hate this bitch so much.  She needs to get a hobby or counseling or something, ANYTHING to stop being so ridiculously codependent.  Is she ever going to do anything useful?  A friend of mine told me that Stephanie Meyer was going to write Twilight from Edward's point of view - PLEASE KILL ME NOW.  Must this really be inflicted upon the world?  Although Edward is not quite as pathetic as Bella, he's still pretty fucking bad.  I would rather have a Twilight written from Rosalie's point of view - she hates Bella, I hate Bella...I would be down with that. 

Has Bella even realized that the only reason that Edward is in "love" with her is because she SMELLS GOOD?  And she's just OKAY with that?? I'm not wrong here, am I? He totally got obsessed with her just because he smelled her.  He's not even able to read her mind, so we can rule out any possibility of him sensing her rapier-sharp wit or sparkling personality (obviously jk, because she does not have either). Is it even clear to her that if she's turned into a vampire, she'll lose her super special flowery smell and Edward will most likely lose all his attraction for her and dump her stupid ass?  btw, speaking of her flowery blood, when I read the part about how Bella's blood smells like freesia I rolled my eyes so far back in my head that I could see my own brain matter.  This dumb ho has nothing going for her - she's annoying, bitchy, whiny, NOT funny, she hates her dad for some reason that I still can't discern even though he seems to be a pretty cool guy, and she wears long khaki skirts.  I see no upside to dating her. ugh, I can't write about this anymore, I'm getting all worked up.

Maybe I can just skip New Moon and read Eclipse?  Good plan?